


Homme Fatale

by dragonflybeach



Series: The Missing Moments [94]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Episode: s13e19 Funeralia, Gen, References to Past Character Deaths, references to past Sam hookups, references to past offscreen M/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-23
Updated: 2018-04-23
Packaged: 2019-04-26 21:06:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14410572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragonflybeach/pseuds/dragonflybeach
Summary: Jessica the Reaper pops up in the backseat of the Impala with even more unwelcome information.





	Homme Fatale

**Author's Note:**

> A/N - I had an unfinished fic on this subject lurking on my hard drive, which I decided to adapt into a coda for this episode. Unfortunately it turned out a lot darker than I had originally intended.

“So why are you moping like somebody else got the last piece of kale?” Dean asked on the drive home.

“I’m not moping.” Sam told him.

“Dude, I’ve been watching you mope since you were born.” Dean snorted. “Try telling that to someone else.”

“You heard what the Reaper said.” Sam said. “Every possible way Rowena could die, I’m the one who kills her. And Billie said she would see you again soon, which wasn’t ominous at all.” He rolled his eyes.

“And we already talked about how Rowena was changing other people’s fates, so maybe we can change hers.” Dean reminded him. “And who knows, if you do have to kill her, maybe it will be a mercy kill, to put her out of her misery or something.”

“Because that would be so much better.” Sam huffed.

“You know, you could always just dick her to death.” Dean suggested. “I mean, we all know your hookups don’t have a very long lifespan.”

Sam gave Dean Bitchface Number 1. “Two of them, Dean. Jess and Madison. You act like it’s every woman I ever slept with.”

“Dude, you remember all the Supernatural book fan sites on the internet?” Dean said. “They wrote about it. ‘Sam’s Killer Peen’ and ‘The Dick of Death.’”

“I thought we agreed to never talk about any of that again, because of how many times your nipples and ‘tummy’ got mentioned.” Sam reminded him.

“Sarah’s dead. That girl from the art gallery.” Dean pointed out.

“I never slept with her.” Sam countered.

“You should have.” Dean shrugged. “She would have ridden you like a pony.”

Sam rolled his eyes and didn’t answer.

“Annie’s dead.” Dean continued. “Annie Hawkins. I know you banged her.”

“So did you, and Bobby, and Dad.” Sam snorted.

“Did you ever bang that kitsune?” Dean asked.

“No.” Sam said in a tone that made it clear Dean had better drop that subject.

“I’m really surprised Becky is still alive.” Dean said. “I figured if anyone was going to turn toes up because of you it would be your ex-wife.”

“That’s because God said Gabriel couldn’t kill her. He likes her.” Came a voice from the back seat.

Dean pulled the car over and slammed on the brakes.

“Son of a bitch!” he shouted at the reaper. “I told you to quit doing that!”

“Well, death is kind of my area.” Jessica shrugged. “You were discussing Sam’s hookups. I thought you wanted to know why Becky was still alive.”

“Chuck likes Becky?” Dean asked.

“What do you mean God said Gabriel couldn’t kill her?” Sam asked over him.

“Gabriel has taken out a few of Sam’s exes.” Jessica shrugged. “Like Amelia Richardson. Cara Roberts. Sparrow Jennings.”

“Wait, you’re telling me that Amelia, Cara, and Sparrow are all dead?” Sam almost shouted.

“Who’s Sparrow?” Dean asked.

“Hippie chick. Smelled like patchouli.” Jessica told him. She turned to Sam. “Yep. I escorted Sparrow upstairs myself.”

“How? Why?” Sam asked.

“Well Sparrow died of carbon monoxide poisoning after burning too much incense in VW camper.” Jessica counted off on her fingers. “Gabriel killed her because she smelled funny. Amelia died when she hit a deer with her car. She and Sam had made an agreement that they would both think about whether they wanted to continue the relationship, and if so, they would meet back at the motel where they used to live. Amelia showed but Sam decided to go with Dean. Amelia decided that she was going to come find Sam and make him tell her to her face that he didn’t want to see her any more. Gabriel said that no one had time for all that melodrama. Cara died when she was drunk in the morgue and accidentally fell, hitting her head on the corner of her work table. She really did kill her ex-husband and got away with it. Gabriel handled it.”

“So Gabriel has been going around offing Sam’s hookups?” Dean asked.

“Well the ones in the past three and a half years or so are still alive.” Jessica shrugged. “That’s how long Asmodeus had him captive. At least for now, they’re alive.”

“Why?” Sam asked.

“Gabriel has always been fond of Sam.” She shrugged again. “The neverending Tuesday and the putting you into various television shows? Yes, on one hand they were about getting a message through to you, but on the other hand, they were pretty effective at getting Sam’s attention and displaying Gabriel’s power.”

Sam made Bitchface #6.

“So he’s been killing off your hookups because he’s jealous, and you couldn’t even get him to stay with the puppy dog eyes.” Dean said. “Wow, you suck.”

Bitchface #6 morphed into Bitchface #1.

Dean turned to Jessica. “If you have any more information for us, would you please not tell us? Because he was already moping about you telling him that he had to kill Rowena, and now he’s going to be angsting about this too. You tell us you can’t help, but then you drop crap like this on us, and it’s … “ he trailed off, shaking his head. “How about you just stay gone unless we call you?”

She disappeared without a word.

Dean put the car in gear and pulled back onto the highway.

“We’ve had this talk before.” Dean said, looking over at Sam, who was looking out the window. “You are not responsible for things other people, or angels, do, and you shouldn’t feel guilty for them.”

“Knowing that doesn’t mean a whole lot when people you cared about are dead because of you.” Sam said softly.

“I know.” Dean sighed. “Let’s go home and get drunk.”


End file.
